So you're scared of getting pregnant? I found some info

 So, I figured out what it’s called. Tokophobia. I wasn’t expecting the name to sound like that. “Toko” phobia. Lol doesn’t sound normal to me. Primary Tokophobia, the fear of pregnancy and/or childbirth. Tbh I don’t know why every woman doesn’t have this. The part that got to me was the reasons they gave for why a person with tokophobia thinks of it. Like fear of the imagined labour pain, or fear of body changes, or low pain thresholds. All concerns are valid, but those aren’t mine. Although, now that I think about it, it could be part of it for me too. My body changing, truly, to never being the same again. That’s quite a change honestly when you think about it, from probably getting blind to my puss changing completely and then kids!!... and the body scars and the possibility of dying, and how often you hear about women, especially black women, dying so easily, because of little things in the delivery room. I am scared frankly because, like most of my fears- religious trauma. I don’t always think about what happened, I mean the scene, but I get the feeling I had every time I get the fear, it has stayed with me.

 

Teenage church, my father was a pastor there, my mum was also there that day for some reason. It was one of those special days for one of those special celebrations, all the teachers were on the altar, some parents too, they were about to pray. One of the teachers/ aunties had just finished her testimony of how God revealed to her, that her daughter was pregnant, how she saved her from abortion or something like that. And so, because of that testimony, all the parents and teachers took it upon themselves to pray to God, that if their children ever got pregnant, they would get exposed too, so they wouldn’t hide it. I stood there, on the altar, both my parents' hands shaking judiciously on my head as they showered prayers on me. I guess that was when the fear gripped me, I couldn’t imagine what would happen to me if I ever got pregnant. Scenes of the embarrassment that would follow, especially from my parents, went through my mind and haunted my body shut. I failed to see the usefulness of the prayer; I mean what good does it actually do? Why not just pray that the children don’t get pregnant till they are ready to? I mean, if you really had to pray about something like that.

 

Before I started having sex, I still had that fear come to think of it. It wasn’t as bad, as right now; unceasingly waiting for my period just to know. Never being satisfied with my period even when it comes, because of course, you know about those cases with the woman not knowing she’s pregnant till maybe 6 months in or till she is in labour. When it’s too late to actually do anything or plan anything or understand and be in control of the situation. Or the constant pregnancy tests, even when I did nothing. It’s tiring. Always not knowing if my nipples hurt because of my period or the baby, or if the cramps are period-related or of course, the baby. *BTW why are period symptoms the same as pregnancy symptoms?

 

I finally googled it today, I think, I have probably been avoiding really looking into it because I didn’t want to know or believe it was that bad, as bad as I feel it. But it is. It really is a thing. I feel reassured, knowing its name. I don’t know if it would become a sort of clutch, I lean on to help me process it, but I feel naming it helps. It helps me find help, reassure myself that I am okay, not self-sabotage, and just be more grounded. Tbh, I feel kind of crazy ‘cuz it’s so real but it sounds really ridiculous, especially being a medical doctor. Apparently, it is more common in women that haven’t ever been pregnant, than it is for women who have (secondary tokophobia). I think women nowadays are talking more openly about the changes that come with pregnancy, they aren’t just keeping quiet and pretending childbirth or motherhood doesn’t come with consequences. I think they are speaking up about how tragic modern medicine is, especially in taking care of women, and now they are making more educated choices. All of that aside, it being a phobia, doesn’t discredit the reasons behind it, and there are a lot of different reasons. I, personally am, still processing all of it and in no way an expert.