DOES SUPPORT WORK? a.k.a What am I doing wrong?

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Do you ever feel that maybe support isn’t for you? Hold up let me explain. I find myself lazier and too relaxed when I have a shoulder to cry on. Like it softens me up and opens up all this pent-up frustration and I lose my driving force. At the same time, I feel overwhelmed without it, but with it, I feel weak and unfocused.

I know it’s supposed to be there for you. Support is meant to be this cushiony mattress that’s there for you when you fall. It bounces you and pushes you up but it's there when and if you fall.

It doesn’t work for me, I find myself lying about unnecessary stuff and then I feel shitty about myself. Let me give you an example. The other day, bf called me, and I was all heads up talking about how there’s so much I want to do and how I cannot do all at once and how everything is shit basically. BF cooled me down and we went through the plans together and all was well. Till today, I haven’t taken a step further in the direction we discussed or any at all. I haven’t even touched the project again. Granted, things came up and I mean THINGS, BIG THINGS, IMPORTANT things… BUT I feel guilty and shitty for it. For wanting something and getting support and dropping it halfway. The support was supposed to have my back, instead, I got comfortable and forgot the whole task.

The lying part comes when I talk about something basically all the time and I’m asked about it later. I know I haven’t touched it, but I have to say something. I can’t say… “oh, I’ve been doing other stuff and I literally, haven’t thought about the thing till you just brought it up, even though I told you a billion times about how important this stuff is for me”. So instead, I go with a, “oh, it’s…good” *insert awkward smiling face.



Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the support, and I need it too. I do NEED it. But if I was by myself, I may not feel this shitty about it because firstly, I may not have remembered starting it. Second, I would have only let myself down, not bf too. It’s easier to only disappoint yourself. But now the disappointment runs in two consciousnesses now. It basically spread. And honestly, I know I maybe shouldn’t think this way but, what would he think of me knowing that I didn’t follow through? How does that affect how he sees me? Most importantly how does it affect how I see me?
I’m thinking next time, I do my stuff in private first and tell people when I’m successful. Granted I may have to deal with the failure alone but… I think I’m out of options. Sometimes, having people makes me forget how to push myself… maybe.

Do you ever feel like this? Do you work better alone? How useful is the support in your life? Do you feel shitty like me when you don’t follow through even though you really wanted to? I can’t be the only person, right? Am I just an ungrateful fuck? Lol. Pour your heart out in the comments below.



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